Guest Blog: J.A. Kazimer

Today I'd like to welcome J.A. Kazimer, author of CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale which just released on 02/28. I'm currently about halfway through the novel, and it's quite a hoot. Definitely not your average fairy tale!

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Thank you, Sara for letting me guest post on your Urban Fantasy blog.

5 Dirty & F***ed Up Fairy Tale Secrets
By j.a. kazimer

We all remember the jolly, fat fairy godmother waving her magic wand at the tattered yet still beautiful Cinderella, and turning her into a true princess complete with glass slippers. Baring the whole wearing glass slippers after Labor Day debate, the Disneyfied version of this and many other of our childhood fairytales hide some very dark secrets. Secrets buried for years. Secrets I will now share with the universe... Suck it, Mickey. It’s time the world knew the truth!

1. PrinceNecrophilic
No joke. In the original version of Snow White, after Snow White eats the poisoned apple and dies, the dwarfs carry her dead body into the woods where they come upon his highness, a man who’s never met the enchanting, abet dead princess until that very moment. He is so taken with her pale, lifeless corpse that he must have her, her being dead and all taken into little account.

2. No Tongue Allowed
In the Disney version, Snow White is awakened by a magic kiss from her prince charming (sans tongue, this was a Disney movie after all). But in the original version of the tale, the prince carries her corpse off to his palace, where Snow White is awakened (much later) by a servant who accidently knocks the poisoned apple from her mouth. Not nearly as romantic a tale, but much more demented, and far more realistic.

3. You’re Not My Mother
In many tales, the wicked stepmother plays the role of villain, cackling and wreaking havoc on the innocent maiden while admiring herself in a talking mirror. Yet in many of the original tales, the wicked stepmother is really the biological mother of said maiden, not a step-parent. So a prince really must ask himself, “Like Mother like Daughter?”

4. Bibbity-Bobbity-Moooooo
In the Scottish version of Cinderella, rather than a fairy godmother who saves the day, poor deluded Cinderella talks to a cow, who just happens to talk back, in Cinderella’s dead mother’s voice (the Japanese version features a carp instead).

5. Karma’s a Bitch and So Is Cinderella
In the original version of Cinderella, Cinderella isn’t nearly as much of a victim as Disney would have you believe. In fact, she kills her mother in order for her father to marry the housekeeper, who in turn, moves into the palace with her brood of ugly stepdaughters, all who give the poor, blood thirst maiden a list of never ending chores.

Want to learn more about your favorite fairy tale celebrities? Read the New Never News at http://thenewnevernews.blogspot.com/

Bio:
j.a. kazimer is a writer living in Denver, CO. With a master’s degree in forensic psychology, j.a. has worked as a private investigator, bartender, and at the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics. Books include The Junkie Tales (2010), The Body Dwellers (2011), CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale (2012), and Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons (2012). The next book in the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series, FROGGY-STYLE, is forthcoming from Kensington in 2013. Visit j.a. kazimer’s website at http://www.jakazimer.com

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Title: CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale
Author: J.A. Kazimer
Summary:

Definitely not for baby's bedtime reading, this hilarious and irreverent take on classic fairytales -- think Shrek for grownups -- combines humor, mystery, and characters only a fairy godmother could love...

When Cinderella is run over by a New Never City bus, her not-so-ugly stepsister, Asia, suspects murder. So she hires RJ, a private eye, to investigate. Little does she know RJ is actually a villain on mental health leave from the Villain's Union. Cursed with an inability to say no to damsels in distress, RJ travels to the Kingdom of Maldetto, meets the rest of Cinderella's family -- including her fiancé, the flamboyant Prince Charming, Cinderella's crazy stepmother, and a seriously twisted version of Hansel and Gretel -- and dodges bullets, explosions, fires, and his own ex-wife to slip his own version of glass handcuffs on the wrists that fit. All while falling for Asia, who has a curse of her own to deal with...